Jailed
by gregsarebests
Summary: House is in jail after driving his car into Cuddy's house. House thinks about how his life is going to be after he gets out. He thinks about his relationship with Cuddy and wonders what went wrong. Meanwhile, Cuddy is living her new life, still traumatized by what happened.
1. Chapter 1

AND THERE I WAS. JAILED.

Everything had already passed my mind. All the rationalizations, all the justifications, all the suffering, all that painful and suicidal guilt. My usual mental state during jail days was definitely a mix of self-anger and misery, which was nothing new to me... But sometimes, if I was lucky, I felt that nothing was my fault, it was all Cuddy's fault. That made me much better. It made me dangerously aggressive too, and I could have been killed a couple of times by the bad guys here if it weren't my allies. But the interior peace I could feel, even if it went with huge anger against Cuddy, was worth it. At least I wasn't angry at me, and that would take away my pain, of course not in the leg, but in my consciousness. Yeah, I have one of these too. Anyway, it was hard to believe in that story sometimes, though. Of course, cause it's not true. And also because I know I'm screwed up and that I "just" did a stupid thing, Cuddy hardly has any responsibility in that... What I did was - I haven't come up with a word to describe that yet - but let's say it was just a very stupid shit...

Yeah, this is ironic: I still can't believe I did THAT, even after all this time, prisoned in my thoughts. I never felt more in jail. I know I actually am in jail. But I'm talking about a real jail, not this illusion of an "efficient" punitive system - I'll make my point afterwards -, but a psychological jail. I'm prisoned between my life before the "accident" and the life after... well, jail. I'm in the middle of two, very likely, TOTALLY different lives. But, for now, all I can do is eat, play chess, think, and be in pain. Nothing else. Sometimes, there's something I can get distracted with, but it won't take all my time. I still have plenty of that. To do nothing... so, there I was. I was jailed.

I'm just waiting. Waiting to get out and do something with my life. Anything. I want to move on. I want to have my life back. But, if I was gonna try to get that back, it wouldn't be easy at all. Maybe impossible. Probably impossible. It would be much easier to have a new start. A blank sheet.

Blank sheets... They scare everyone. Who am I kidding, this wasn't easy also. I know I'd been miserable in my "old" life. But I liked who I was. I didn't want to be another person. To do other things rather than solving puzzles and eventually curing people. Not that I care. It's just something other people value, and that made me valuable. At least for my mom, Wilson and Cuddy... that bitch. Of course it was her fault. Not that I was in jail. It was her fault that our relationship didn't work out. It was her side that blew up our thing. I was doing the best of myself. I know I took Vicodin, but it was a conscious move. I considered it, and realized I couldn't make her happy at that specific moment without it. She should know I wasn't going to change. And she acted like a real bitch when we broke up too.

Still, I have no idea why, I still liked her. I told you, I don't know why. Maybe that's why. Cause there isn't any reason at all for me to like her. At least, not anymore. Unfortunately, the time I passed here, thinking and remembering and conjecturing... it made me forget all her flaws, all the things I hated on her. I swear, I just can't remember why I started hating her. Maybe I never hated her. I just hated him. That guy who was with her in the D-day... I'm still confused. I do hate her. I hate her for not loving me anymore. For not caring about my feelings. For hurting me. For ignoring me and moving on after all our history together. And, most importantly, for not forgiving me...

I did deserve forgiveness from her. We were together, for god sake! I did an extreme effort to be with her when she most needed me, and so I was. She did NO effort to forgive me. She didn't even care to listen to my explanation! THAT was unforgivable. Everybody knew I would eventually screw up, and that should be totally forgivable, I'm HUMAN - even though I act like god sometimes - I make mistakes too! You know, the way she ended it, not even hearing my side of the story, was such a cruel thing to do. Not putting into account all the progress we made from unresolved love to an actual relationship. We loved each other, so I didn't deserve that coldness from her. All in all, I was being a nice boyfriend, caring about her, bonding with Rachel, amazing sex... I was good in that! In being her boyfriend! Not perfect, no. Neither was she. But who is? Perfection is boring.

In fact, I think what most saddens me is that I don't exactly know why she stopped liking me - if she ever did - or why she gave up on us. I needed to know what went wrong with us. It couldn't possibly be the Vicodin. I knew that. She was looking for any excuse to dump me, since those last weeks before the break-up. And she found, of course she would eventually find something. Shit. I so didn't want it to end that way. So final. So irreparable… Cuddy was my last puzzle I was struggling to solve. I don't know if I'm ever getting close to a solution for that. I was probably never seeing her again. Maybe Wilson could tell me what she may have told him. I doubt it was gonna help, though. In fact, I think Cuddy didn't know her own puzzle too.


	2. Chapter 2

Hey guys. Just a little explanation here. So, the first chapter was in first person, House was telling what he was thinking. I figured that it was more natural for me to use the third person when talking about Cuddy's part of the history. I think that, like most of you, we know House much more than any other character, and we love him, which makes the job of writing what he's thinking easier. I can't do that when it comes to Cuddy. Actually, the reason I started writing this fic was to get into House's thoughts and find some reason in all the craziness of Moving On. I think this ep, although he made us angry, was a nice motivation for all of us to write fics. I think there would be much less fics if we were happy with the way the show was going. So, here's to Moving On! No, not really. Here's to HOUSE!

Just one more thing: I wasn't planning on posting this next chapter cause I didn't think I'd written a worthwhile fic. Actually, I'm so insecure that in the moment I first posted the story I already regretted it. But today I was reading some fics, and then when I was searching for a new one to read, I found my fic, and I saw it had 3 reviews. When I read those I got so excited and proud of myself… now I understand when the authors here ask us to review… :) So, thanks to the three people who reviewed my fic, I decided to post this one that I'd written on the same day I posted the first chapter. I hope you enjoy it! Thank you guys!

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Meanwhile, in Boston…

Cuddy was exhausted, raising Rachel all by herself and having to adequate their lives to the new place was still tiring, even though she had already adapted herself to the new life somewhat reasonably. She asked herself if it would ever get easier. She was tossed on the bed, Rachel was already sleeping, but she still had some things to do, and didn't know where to take the forces… She let herself close her eyes, begging to her mind not to let her sleep so long, she still had to take a bath and finish her work that she would have to present the next day. Little did she know… her mind would play some tricks to her…

_Cuddy was at her office, it was a busy day. Her iPhone beeps, it was a message from Wilson. It was all in capital letters, very unlike Wilson, she thought: CUDDY, HOUSE IS HEADED TO BOSTON TO SEE YOU, I TRIED TO STOP HIM. I'M SORRY. DON'T GET OUT OF YOUR MIND. HE TOLD ME HE IS ONLY APOLOGISING TO YOU. SORRY, AGAIN._

_Cuddy was shocked. The first thing that crossed her mind was that she had to do something to avoid seeing House. She started thinking of going home, but it could only make things worse, what if he went there and Rach saw him? After some desperate thinking, she came to the obvious conclusion that it was inevitable. House would never rest until he found her. It would only last longer if she tried to stop that. All she could do was to wait. For the worst, she thought. During all the day, Cuddy was paranoid. Still, she had to do her job, but – of course – she couldn't do it properly, thinking about what could happen when he saw her. _

_Cuddy was back from the cafeteria, it was 3pm, but she felt she had to eat some chocolate, otherwise she would go crazy. She was bringing her favorite chocolate bar with her when she entered her office, and while she read the new e-mails, she was devouring the chocolate. That's when her secretary tells her House is coming, but when she was going to answer, he was already opening her door and letting himself in. Cuddy abruptly rose from her chair and looked at him with an angry and impatient face. That didn't stop House from beginning his apologies. But Cuddy still wasn't prepared for that._

_H-Cuddy, I... _

_Cuddy noticed it wasn't easy for House to do that. He was with the same face Rachel had when she broke some jar or anything important and was scared of her reaction. Her heart was racing; she was in shock for seeing him, after all that time and all that happened. It was too much for her._

_C-House, I don't think I can do this._

_H-Just... let me finish, please!_

_Cuddy was traumatized. She had to let him know how angry she was at him and how insane that "accident" was. Also, she thought House had no right to go into her office without her consent. She didn't know where to start…_

_C-What you did... was... beyond..._

_House interrupted her before she could find any adjective or noun, or both together, that described what he did._

_H-I know. And I'm sorry for that. I know you're not taking my apologies or whatever, but I just needed to tell you... I'm truly... sorry..._

_He didn't have any more words he knew he could say. And so he waited. And was happy she wasn't attacking him. At least, not immediately..._

_Cuddy was hesitant. She was thinking what would be the best for her. How this could be less painful and not affect her, not complicate things even more._

_After some time, Cuddy talked._

_C-I am accepting your apologies._

_House made a surprised look, his eyes looked hopeful and thankful, but Cuddy fast broke it._

_C-Cause it's the least you can do. Not that this makes you any decent..._

_House rolled his eyes, because he already knew all of that. Then, he said with a soft and hurt voice:_

_H-Okay._

_It was all he could have said. After all, he wasn't expecting anything better than that, except for her forgiveness, which he knew was practically impossible._

_As he said that, Cuddy got surprised. She was expecting the normal House. The one that would never accept what she said, that would argue with her just to resist. But he was being the opposite. She was starting to believe he really regretted it. But that didn't change anything._

_C-Don't expect me to ever forgive you. That's never gonna happen. And seeing you, again, never gonna happen too._

_She was trying to be harsh. He deserved that and even more._

_H-Fine._

_He looked at her, and then to the floor, leaning on his cane._

_She didn't say anything else._

_He turned and left the room, not looking back. Cuddy didn't know if she would ever see him again._

_She missed him._

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So, what do you think? I don't have any more chapters written, but I'm determined to write them after my exams finish. So, probably in two weeks, there will be a brand new chapter :D Unless I get so stressed studying that I have to write the next chapter earlier lol

I really want to thank again CacauHouseManiaca, Abby and Alex for, in a way, encouraging me to post this next chapter. I know it's probably not as interesting as the first one, but I hope it's still enjoyable, cause I always wondered about how this first interaction between House and Cuddy after the "accident" (I like to call it an accident lol) would be. I know it wasn't real, at least not yet... I'm still thinking about how I'm making them meet again.


End file.
